What the PDA person values the most is often felt as highly demanding. The young adults I work with are really in touch with this. They feel this acutely. They are making their way in the world and see clearly that what makes them the happiest is also what can make them feel most anxious in their approach to it.

If you see it in parenting your children, this is the “point of tension and friction” for growth. It’s a powerful place of desire, hopes fears and aspirations. No wonder it can be avoided!

It’s really hard for parents to watch their children “not” do what they know will make them happy. Just as it’s painful for the young adult to “KNOW” that they are holding themselves back.

I teach parents to consider and be curious in an active way with their children, with phrases such as “what do you think about that” or “how do you see this” as childhood is full of clever creative ideas and this is the place where your child will instinctively navigate demands from if you give them the freedom to.

It is a demand to know your own thinking let alone “do the thing”. But, when the PDA child and adult, for that matter, know their own thinking they “feel” connected, more autonomous and more in control of themselves.

Quiet moments in the day are the perfect spaces for consideration and thoughtful exploring. I open up something, listen and reflect it back. Most of all I “have their back”, take “their side” and see their feelings that may be tangled, confused or sensitive.

Sensitivity will always be there. Make friends with it so your child trusts their instincts.

I see this as an effective way to parent by focusing on the unfolding inner life and motivations of my children.

As a result, they feel freer to engage with their passions as their guide.

Did you know that you can use the same relational skill I just described? You don’t have to be a therapist to do this. It’s a method to approach tension. And it’s a method to emotionally “hold hands” until you find yourselves together on the other side.

Most of the time this requires a “cool” parent, or adult, right? Someone who doesn’t invest their own feelings about the outcome and just makes space to “allow” a real honest conversation. The air between us feels warm, curious and playful.

My children’s cool uncle, my brother, is a musician and music promoter. I know this place of warmth, curiosity and playfulness because he knows this place. I’m serious and he’s expansive. I get deep, he goes light. We believe in the other and we are each other’s biggest fan. I would dare say that we have walked through the most important events in our lives “holding hands.

Looking back on my childhood and adulthood we’ve been “coregulation buddies” not just siblings. When I want to find this place, the place where I am confused and allowed to find my own way I can turn to him. He is truly special.

I can offer this to my children when I have this myself. That is real coregulation for the PDA child and family.

I know that these people are hard to find. The emotional energy you use to be present and show up for your children is often in direct proportion to the support you have.

You want relationships that hold your feelings so that you can in turn do the same for your child. So, that they can go out and make relationships in the world that hold their own engagement and growth.

It truly takes a village. And a Cool Uncle.

There is NO roadmap. And no program to take. The clarity and steadiness to parent from comes from CONNECTION. When you recognize you’re confused; you find people to support a growth mindset so you can hold your child’s growth in safety.

Often parents will ask me to define or outline “how” to connect to their child. I point out that they already know how. Just remember who it is that can both allow you to be vulnerable and encourage you to be your best self. Then BE that person for your child!

Parents, most of us didn’t know that this was the “PDA parenting job description”.

When you are overcome by feelings of overwhelm and frustration, fear and sadness remember:

PDA parenting brings you face to face with this. It’s the hardest work you’ve ever done; to look eye to eye with your own big feelings about parenting and how important it is to you to feel you are doing all you can for your family.

If you struggle with any of your own big feelings PDA parenting will ask you to take care of yourself, now! Find your “group” and a therapist who understands. If you are lucky to have family who can do this, they are a treasure.

This was written in honor of the “cool uncle” I wish every family could have. My kids say, “sorry, he’s ours”!

Reach out to my email at EliseJacobsonLICSW@gmail.com for information about my practice. Read this for informational purposes only. This is not to be considered a consultation or professional advice.