Elise:

So, what are some materials people use to build their boats?
I have found that my clients learn more about themselves and their children when they slow down to ask more questions.

To assume less.

To approach their lives, their child and the world at large with more curiosity and a renewed purpose to use their intensity in meaningful authentic ways that reflect their values.

To use their energy for meaningful demands. This is not low demand. This is a highly demanding path to KNOW what the meaningful demands are, which then leads to greater ease in engaging with day-to-day life.

I see parents and children repairing relationships with the outside world through eliciting understanding. I see it possible for a child to expand their ability to tolerate a less optimal fit when their PARENT understands them and goes to bat for them.

Most of the time I see families and their children learn to question the way things are done and advocate in a way that becomes mutually accommodating, not just of the child and family but with the school and community.
I see families encourage repair when environments struggle to support their child, but see their child also consider, reflect and repair their relationships in them, all on their own, because that is their own value.

I also see them more easily let go of people and places that can’t do this, without needing to fight or explain their reasoning.

They can simply let go.

If letting go isn’t an option, families let go of the pressure they place on themselves or their child to conform to expectation. And they build their voice by testing and strengthening it in real communities of like-minded people.

I also see parenting consume a lot of time and energy.

Neurodivergent families need different things, and we must figure out how to navigate without much traditional validation and support.

About low demands as PDA families interact with it now:

I have for a long time believed that there is no such thing for a PDA person! The demand is maybe in doing it alone without enough support and good information which puts us in fight or flight.

Families can and do navigate the world outside and engage with their family members without burning out.

A school or group of friends or a passion project or all the above. Multiple professionals, friends and real communities that show up regularly for one another.

Is this luck, resource dependent, culturally and socially mediated, and full of painful realities and barriers?

Yes.

But I think all of us need reminders of what is possible. If only more could have access to these materials that can build their boat.

MEGAN:

So, you may discover that:
That you might realize your kiddo is a ferocious learner (they usually are) and need to find different ways to learn. Sitting in a classroom was never gonna do it.

That your kiddo has high sensory integration needs that the school setting couldn’t or wouldn’t truly accommodate.

That your kiddo can learn in huge bursts when the interest and intrigue are present – something the large-scale traditional systems can’t logistically do.

That your child is developing on their own trajectory, and comparison to peers is sometimes moot.

That your own way of doing things for and to yourself hasn’t honored your own needs.
That your child might be the ultimate mirror, shining bright light right back to you. And it might blind you for a bit!

That you, yes you, Parent, have had the compassion, love, courage, and wherewithal to listen to the signal, tune out the noise, and sit in the discomfort of what it means to Know. And that your journey in understanding what it means to be a PDAer is underway.

Elise:

Let’s “remember the plot.”

On the way to knowing the PDA person can get lost in real pain, or as one client said, they had “forgotten the plot”.

What Megan and I see is that when PDA families drop all demands they can very easily get isolated, overwhelmed and suffer. They can feel worse, and continue to get worse, not better.

Not just because the world doesn’t reflect their needs which we already know!

But, because the “pain point’s” in their family are part of the story arc, and one of the demands to feel. Families fall face first into their pain points with low demand parenting because when everything else falls away they are alone. We were never meant to do this alone.

The danger is to suffer, truly suffer, with many real symptoms, and suffer alone. Not knowing what you need, not knowing the purpose of it all, and seeing no way out of a day-to-day survival.

This is the story for many.

The need to connect to another in safety is real. Therefore, for parents to hold their child in safety they must first be held in safety themselves. To coach a parent in skills or a parenting philosophy without first holding their pain point throws the parent in the deep end without a boat.

This is where we clinicians meet families. They have dropped demands and sat in the pain that came to the surface.

We must KNOW the outer story arc, and offer it up to a parent, one that we can hold as an outline of a story that our client will write. We can support their return from the edge to work through a narrative that suits them and can also hold their pain points.

What demands matter, why do they matter, how can we engage with them safely, how do we communicate for connection and how do I KNOW all this?

We can help by making our messages to parents here VERY clear.
~Living on the edge alone at a huge pain point perpetuates and prolongs suffering.
~Dropping demands in a world that doesn’t understand still leaves you alone.
~You don’t have to drop all or even any demands~ What?? Yes. In fact it may not be advisable if it leaves you “alone” in an existential crisis.
~You can never drop all demands. The demand to know yourself follows you and is right there waiting when you’re alone.
~Instead see a flexible approach to demands….as a WAY to NOT drop demands.

SO, START HERE. TRY looking for ways to find meaningful connection, purposeful engagement, and demands that matter most. This is your boat. It is YOUR individual authenticity. Only you can KNOW it.

You may also find that this boat carries you through the choppy waters where you still engage in less-than-ideal seas.

To create such a life, you must FEEL it to be possible for it to be real. The PDA community must promote this as one that is a possible reality. It is possible! I am fortunate to see it every day.

People misunderstand the purpose of “low demand” parenting, when, it is seen simply as the outer edge. You live on the outer edge, dropping all demands simply to “KNOW” something with great clarity. Ultimately, it is to, I think, KNOW natural rhythm with yourself and others.

Signed,

Elise Jacobson, LICSW, Founder of The PDA Therapy Collaborative,
Megan Agee, LPC, Founding member of The PDA Therapy Collaborative

PDATherapyCollaborative.com